Learning to make friends

I've been sick this week, which means all of my great plans to visit people have been forced to be put on hold. Instead, excluding the hours of being in bed, blowing my nose, or moaning over my head cold, I have spent a lot of time reading. 

I've been reading a lot about community organizing. This is based on the fact that Gethsemane is getting more involved with Allied Communities of Tarrant a broad-based community organizing group, linking congregations to one another to work towards change in Tarrant County. I've gone to two trainings over the past year. I have attended the monthly clergy caucus faithfully for the past 18 months. I am helping to organize the delegates assembly for September 23rd, 3 pm, at St. Andrew's UMC. 

Why are you spending so much time on meetings since you hate meetings? Because this is the first group that seems to have a concrete understanding of how to help congregations identify the fact that their stuck, give congregations tools to get unstuck, respond to needs in the community, connect to the community, and strengthen themselves. Most groups that invite me to participate either want me to just attend meetings, or they want me to generate a bunch of volunteers... and frankly my congregation is tired and overworked. 

Community organizing seems to have a different focus, at least through ACT it does. I hear over and over that congregations need to be strong in order to be there to protect families, and so our first task is to strengthen our congregations. Wow. A group that wants to help me strengthen my church? They want to help me? Not demand that I help them and add to my to-do list? A group that will facilitate leadership development instead of exhaust my exhausted leaders? Sign me up!

So, this week, I finally got around to reading some of the materials I have had sitting on my shelf since the NEXT Church Conference that took place earlier this year. 

I could ramble on more about what I learned in the books, and how they connected with scripture... but the biggest thing was seeing how God has lined up: what I learned in the books, what I learned in those training seminars, what I committed to start doing 3 years ago, and what one of our dear ruling elders, Lydia Frias has told me for years. The way to transform the church, the way to energize membership, the way to reach the community, the way to plant new churches, the way to bring God's good news to those in desperate need is the same: one-on-one relational meetings. This link provides a pdf from one congregation. I can't speak to the overarching thoughts, but the description of how to do a meeting is on par for what I am talking about (pages 3 and 4).

Basically, too often in church we meet with people to just chit-chat, complain, or "get things done", pastors included. We rarely spend time trying to understand what motivates a person to serve. We rarely spend time helping a person understand their deeper desires, and how their personal stories affect who they are, what they want at this stage of their lives, and what their struggles are. Pastors know that self-knowledge is a huge part of a person's maturity and ability to serve, but we often don't know how to foster that in our members. As a result, we don't end up developing new leaders, we often just exhaust those who are already leaders. These visits help ourselves and others delve deeper into how our personal stories affect our sense of call and our sense of who God is, and what God is doing in our lives. Asking folks "why" they dream of a congregation that does x, or "what in their childhood/past" has led them to be passionate about reaching kids, feeding the homeless, or reaching the lonely totally changes our understanding of what God is calling us to do and how God is calling us to do something. It helps us identify leaders... and more importantly it affirms the belief that we are a priesthood of all believers, that our particular stories are not just important, they are what makes each Christian a critical, pivotal part of any body of believers. 

So... for the past three years I have been trying to improve my visitation of members. I have done better, that is for sure. And I have even started to tell my session members that this needs to be their focus as well. How can anyone lead if we don't know our own people? How can we discern what God's vision is for us if we do not know the personal motivations and stories of our members? How can we discern where God is calling us if we don't know the stories of those who surround us outside the church? 

I have done more visits and more intentional visits, but they haven't been these relational one-to-one visits. 

My challenge now? Learning to focus visits into relational meetings. My visits are often long and chatty. Lydia often has pointed that out to me... you can get to the heart of a person effectively in 30-45 minutes, respecting their time and energy, by asking the right questions, listening faithfully, and trusting that there will be another visit soon. 

I would add, we can do better relational meetings if we focus on the "why?" and the "where does that come from in you?" rather than the "what?". 

We focus too often in our ministry and our lives on naming a business plan, and getting a to-do list. But as Christ-followers there is something sacred and powerful in trusting that by knowing a person and by being known, God will transform us and lead us more naturally... Perhaps, even I should say, we should focus on the "who is in front of me?" and know that deeply and the love placed in our hearts will propel us into the callings God has set out for us. 

So, as soon as I am less germy, I plan to get started on focused, shorter visits... not chit-chat, but really getting to know a person. To know and to be known. I hope my congregation will do so as well.